Per Mertesacker is NOT the slowest player at Arsenal, at least according to Daily Telegraph reporter Jeremy Wilson.
In an extensive and illuminating interview with right-back revelation Hector Bellerin, the conversation turns to the running speed of the squad.
Bellerin, it is revealed in the report, is the fastest ever player at Arsenal and has overtaken the 40-metre sprint record of real-life Duracell bunny Theo Walcott.
But perhaps the most shocking revelation from the interviews comes when discussing just who holds the unfortunate accolade of ‘slowest’ player in the Arsenal squad.
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Take a straw poll right now and the majority of fans would be emphatically convinced resident beanpole Per Mertesacker would be the slowest at the club.
The German’s mobility has always been a concern during his time at Arsenal; a pint of milk could turn faster and his running speed is likely slower than Microsoft Internet Explorer
But incredibly, it’s claimed that he’s not the slowest and to fortunately spare the unfortunate individual’s blushes, his name is not revealed.
Perhaps this is just an attempt to protect big Per from the ridicule he’d face for acquiring such an official title but if it’s not him then just who is it?
Calum Chambers’ lack of pace has been brutally exposed at times this season but he could never have forged a career on the wing if he didn’t have some ability with the afterburners.
David Ospina and Wojciech Szczesny only have to spring off their lines and run a maximum of 18 yards, so it could be them over 40 metres.
But the likeliest player? If it’s not the vice-captain of the club then it’s probably the captain Mikel Arteta.
Usually the deepest of the Arsenal midfielders, Arteta isn’t known for his pace and mainly connects the play between defence and attack, crabbing across the field laterally rather than make any direct forays into the opposition half. That and considering the fact that he’s 33 and suffered a serious knee injury in the past.
Sorry Mikel, we can only hope we’re wrong.